It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
