Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
