You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
