you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize