I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
