I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
