dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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