As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
