I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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