alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
