You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
