i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
