there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
