I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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