this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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