He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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