new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
