I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
