Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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