2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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