I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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