I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
