dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
