I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
