sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
