I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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