I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
