do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize