my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
