I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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