So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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