She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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