I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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