I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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