Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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