she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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