no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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