now i know why i became what i already was.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
