oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
