Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize