I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish my penis had an off switch
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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