just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
