The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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