When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
