i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
