we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
