Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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