How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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