I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
