nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
