I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
