She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
