I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
