Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
