You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
