Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
