my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
