I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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