I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
