He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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