Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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