She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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